Roominations

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Once upon a time…

…Now, in fact… There lived a Fair Prince and his little wife. They toiled valiantly in business. The Money Changers surreptitiously checked their credit and saw that it was good. They relentlessly tempted the couple with bags and barrels and cart-loads of coins.

In hamlets near and far, hillsides were denuded and cottages destroyed, replaced by McMansions and faux châteaus. The wifette looked up at her Prince and said, “I’d like to transform my dwelling now.” He secured a HELOC that was just the right size to meet their desires without putting them too deeply into hock.

Armed with this badge of credit—and with visions of $6.5 million dollar castles dancing in her head—she scurried off to find a draftsman, discussing the dream house project with candidates including an up-and-coming Starchitect, a Provincial Poser and Ivy League Man. Charmed by his tall tales and higher education, the lady of the house soon began trading checks for Snake Oil, a process that took more than a year and yielded no cure for their leaky roof.

The couple brought in builders who quaked at the sight of the site and cited great sums to erect the vision as drawn. As the seasons marched on, the deck became ever more flaccid.

Meanwhile, the usury that had enticed the lusty masses to live beyond their means resulted in a market correction. Bears began mauling the Money Changers, who panicked and began reneging on their promises of financing. On February 1, they lopped off a third of the dollars the Prince thought he had secured for Casa de Roo.

In the light of the crescent moon and through dawn’s early rays, the couple pondered what to do. Ponder, ponder, ponder… The consort’s reaction swung from heavy sighs of resolve to random manic cackling. Ponder, ponder, ponder…

The Fates, it seems, have spun a destiny for the couple that doesn’t involve an addition.

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8 Comments:

  • I'm so sorry to hear about this new financial development on top of everything else—and that the addition is in such dire jeopardy. I wish I had some wisdom to bear. So far, the only solution I've come up with involves the architect's car, Pop Rocks, a trebuchet, a couple pounds of baking soda, 3 gallons of vinegar, 27 flaming Jar Jar Binks dolls, Wint-O-Green Lifesavers and a big bag of squirrels. Now, before you dismiss this idea outright, keep in mind: this very plan helped me get a promotion a few years ago and a better table at a T.G.I. Friday's® last month. That said, I'm now also a "person of interest" to the FBI and am cavity-searched every time I go to the movies, which, not surprisingly, greatly improved my experience watching Spiderman 3.

    You can do a huge amount of excellent research in preparation for something and still find it taking an unexpected turn for the worst. In the end, we are all eventually at the mercy of the experts and the information they provide. There's no way of knowing ahead of time whether the recommendations they are making are sound advice or completely ludicrous. There's a certain point where you have to take a leap of faith and hope that what they are telling you is correct.

    I really think you both did everything you could to make this addition go as smoothly as possible. The fault lies in the architect. You made clear what you wanted from the beginning and he kept promising to provide a design that would deliver. You even budgeted for unexpected problems. Short of going to architecture school yourself, there really wasn't anything else you could have done. The natural tendency in these situations is to beat yourself up. Please don't do that. As for the architect in question—well, we'll talk privately about him later, as I'm not here to slander anyone. That said, it's becoming increasingly difficult not to use this big bag of squirrels currently sitting on my lap.

    Hang in there.

    -- The Foz

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:28 PM  

  • Polygamist coopersmiths abound in this tale of whoa and woe. Like the time in Middle Earth when I was surrounded by talking trees. If only for a chainsaw and some strichnine for Peter Jackson, we could all have those last 5 hours back.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:37 AM  

  • Fozzie tells some strange tales. But the strangest one is about him and Elmo and a back alley on Sesame Street. Poor Oscar, having to witness that. Choreographed by three architects, a builder and an ex-con, just like your house!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:40 AM  

  • I think you should let "The Foz" at 'im. Can't hurt...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:55 PM  

  • A January survey of senior bank-loan officers "offers the hardest evidence yet that the credit crunch is spreading," The Wall Street Journal writes. The poll by the Federal Reserve shows that banks are tightening lending standards, with about 55% of institutions saying they had tightened standards for mortgages and about 60% saying they have done so on home-equity lines, the Journal reports.

    February 5, 2008 -- 7:00 a.m. EST
    Polling the Economy On Super Tuesday
    By ELANA BEISER
    THE WALL STREET JOURNAL ONLINE

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:31 AM  

  • I've got a contact named Bruiser that would be willing to help The Foz do some serious damage and lend snuggly comfort with his softy side, at least to the non-allergic one:)

    You two definitely have grace and humor seeing you through this, as well as determination and grit. I'm so sorry this path has gone so wonky - definitely lies in that architect's deluded & missing brain. We need Picard's "Make it so" power. Hang in there!
    ~ Strid

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:58 AM  

  • Why do people think I'm a Muslim? Is it because my middle name is Hussein? What's up with that? Damn Clintons. They fight so dirty. Next time I'm near Hillary, I'm getting all over her ass. I''ll become her Pimp Daddy and start chargin' Bill each time he wants to go motoring down that super highway. I'll hit that so hard, Al Gore will think he invented it.

    Oh yeah. Vote for me on Super Tuesday!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:04 PM  

  • This is why they invented yoga, I think. And mai tais. And the Bahamas. And young, strapping bronze-gods with names like Alberto.... Oh, uh, hey what were we talking about again? Seriously you all have been through it with this thing, and it all just sucks. As for the architect? I'm a simple hearted person---just key his car, sigh, and say "ah, that's better."

    By Blogger Shannon, at 12:23 PM  

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